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. go." His voice sounded angry. I hid my face as I ran back to the apartment, sobbing at his harsh dismissal.I quickly put on the black jeans and tee shirt I wore when working behind the bar. It was too early for my shift, but I didn't want to stay in the apartment with him like this. I left without saying goodbye and drove Jules' car toward work. There was a coffee shop nearby, so I stopped to kill some time and think.I was drinking coffee and mindlessly browsing Reddit on my phone when I felt a sudden compulsion to bring up my phone's contact list. Lydia had wielded the crop the first time I felt its sting. I ended things cleanly, but she had given me her contact information in case I wanted to remain friends. I had never contacted her, but I did put her number in my phone so I would know if she tried to call me.I felt so conflicted about what we'd done and what I still wanted to do. The look on John's face broke my heart. I had no one to talk to about it. My old friends still. I know that sounds funny. Most people would have said it wasn’t right for him to go anywhere at all. Heck, most people would have said it was wrong for us to be nudists together.I’ve thought about this a lot. I think he did things to me for multiple reasons. He wanted to, of course. That’s obvious. But I think he knew I wanted him to as well. And the things he did to me really did give me the kind of experience that would amount to control later on in my life. I was never surprised by what some guy did to me ... because Uncle Bob had already done it, and I knew what to expect. Whether that was his intent or not, who knows? For all I know he was just having fun trying to see how much I’d let him get away with.Of course I had no idea how far I wanted him to go. I just loved how he made me feel. And it wasn’t only the physical feeling of being touched by a man I loved, and who I knew loved me. I loved it that he got erections for me. It didn’t mean anything was going to happen. It just.
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